?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
02 March 2006 @ 12:58 pm
Yatta! No more writer's block!  
Title: Misunderstood Conversations
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Fandom: Pierrot
Pairing: Jun + Kirito, and mention of Kirito x Aiji
Status: One-Shot
Summary: Jun POV. People only see Jun’s mask. Kirito is the only one that has the ability to see past it.
Special Notes: This is not funny. Damn it. But negiyou wanted another serious ficcy, so here you go. I wonder why my serious ficcies consist of sad Jun. I hate sad Jun. But whatever, apparently I’m a sadist and a masochist at the same time, ‘cause here I am hurting Jun, and making myself sad at the same time. And I apologize to aliale and negiyou for the beginning. Don’t hate me.




Misunderstood Conversations
By Omen-chan




“Thanks so much, Jun!” Aiji says enthusiastically, embracing me. “You really helped me out!”

I smile, and nod, and hug him back. I try not to hate him.

It’s not a big deal. They’re my best friends. It won’t kill me.

Why should it matter to me if they’re fucking each other? It’s not like they love me any less.

Aiji bounces away cheerfully, happy with the present I’d helped him pick out for Kirito’s birthday. He couldn’t do without me, he’d said. I knew Kirito better than anyone.

Of course I do. My whole life has revolved around his since the day I met him.

Why can’t he see that? Why can’t he do the same for me?

I shrug. Because he’s Kirito. And I’m Jun. Because he’s always the leader, and I’m always the follower, the perfect best friend, the one that’s always there for everyone, unselfishly giving everything I have. I never ask for anything that a friend wants. Or has.

I hate myself.




Practice. Band practice has long ago become a torture for me. I sit, and listen… strumming on my guitar… But I never pay attention to what I’m playing. I watch Kirito and Aiji, even when they’re not all over each other it’s so obvious they’re together. Aiji making dove eyes at Kirito. Kirito smiling in return.

“Jun?”

I look up. Takeo is staring at me. He’s concerned.

“Are you feeling okay? You’ve been spacing out lately.”

I smile. It’s so easy to just pretend. “I’ve been up all night playing video games! There’s this boss that I just can’t beat, and it’s driving me crazy!”

Takeo smiles, relieved. “Well, get some sleep. Sleep’s more important than monsters any day.”

I mock glare at him. “What are you talking about?! My manhood is at stake! I can’t just let him impugn my honor and masculinity by avoiding the fight!” I pause. That was a little too real.

Luckily, Takeo doesn’t notice. He thinks I’m just being overdramatic and laughs. “Whatever, Jun. But don’t you think you should sleep so you can give your all for band practice? I’ve never seen you so quiet! You’re usually bouncing off the walls!”

I smile, and shrug, and go back to playing. I glance at Aiji. He’s talking with Kohta. I glance at Kirito.

He’s watching me.

It almost seems as if he’s staring through me.

Unnerved, I smile, and wave. “Do you need something?” I ask, hoping he hadn’t seen my conversation with Takeo, even though I know he has.

Kirito shakes his head. Aiji walks over to him and puts his arm around him. I look away.

We start practice.

Kirito wouldn’t stop looking at me for the rest of the night.




I collapse on my couch, pretending to be more exhausted than I am. Kirito stands over me, his arms crossed over his chest.

There used to be a time when Kirito and I never even really had to talk to each other. We could read each other’s body language, or expressions as easily as breathing. If one of us was upset, we’d always know. If one of us was angry, we could always see it.

Kirito was angry now. Even though we weren’t as close anymore, I could see it. And I knew he could see that I’d lied to Takeo earlier.

We weren’t as close anymore, but that didn’t mean we had forgotten how to breath.

“What was that about?”

I knew better than to pretend I didn’t know what he was talking about. Kirito would see straight through the lie.

“I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I didn’t want Takeo to worry.” Short, sweet, and not a lie. Not the truth, but not a lie, either.

Kirito keeps staring at me. He’s waiting for me to continue. Why can’t you sleep? his eyes ask me.

I close mine. I don’t want him to see the answer.

I hear Kirito sigh. I hear him move. I don’t have to open my eyes to know that Kirito is squatting next to me. I don’t have to open my eyes to see his worry.

I ignore it. I want him to go away.

Kirito doesn’t move.

I growl, frustrated with his continued presence. “If you want me to get more sleep, you’re going to have to leave. I can’t exactly sleep and talk at the same time.”

I hear him smirk. “Yes, you can.”

I smile, but I still don’t open my eyes. He knows the smile’s fake, anyway. “I haven’t talked in my sleep in years.”

“Really? The last time I slept over you were talking like-”

“You haven’t slept over in years, either.”

I could hurt myself. That was more than I’d been willing to say. I hadn’t even meant to say it.

Kirito is silent. I shocked him. I can almost see his brain working, calculating the days since we’d hung out until we were almost sick of each other (not that we ever were), calculating the years since we’d had a real conversation.

Our real conversations never use words.

Lately, we’ve only been chatting.

We aren’t close, anymore.

“You’re still my best friend, Jun.” He’s almost pleading. No he’s not; Kirito never begs. He wants me to open my eyes. Wants us to be the same again.

“We can never be the same again.”

“Why not?”

I hadn’t meant to say that, either. Frustrated with myself, I open my eyes. Kirito’s face is only inches from mine.

He can see me.

Panicking, I sit up quickly, hoping Kirito hadn’t had time to see what my eyes were screaming.

“Just fucking leave me alone! I’m tired, and I’m going to bed! That’s what you want, right? That’s what this stupid conversation is about, right?!”

I’m staring at the back of the couch. I know my eyes are still wild, still betraying every secret. I can’t let Kirito see them.

Kirito is silent. I’m too terrified to look at him, to see if he saw Me.

I don’t even notice I’m crying until I feel something cool and wet hit my overheated hand. I pray Kirito doesn’t see that either.

I know he does.

“I want you to talk to me, Jun.” His voice is so quiet, so pained.

My fault. I’m the one hurting him.

“You don’t want to hang out anymore. You don’t even ask me to go with you to stores.” His voice… He’s not crying. Kirito never cries.

“We don’t talk anymore.”

“I know.” And I do know. I know that none of this is Kirito’s fault, or even Aiji’s.

I’m the one pushing him away. I couldn’t take the pain of sharing him, so I gave up what I had in the first place.

“I thought it would be easier.”

Kirito doesn’t reply.

“I thought if I couldn’t have all of your love, then I shouldn’t have any of it.”

I look at him, even though I know I don’t have to. I know he’s crying, that seeing him cry will hurt me.

Tears stream down his face, his breath catches in his throat from trying to suppress his sobs.

He’s in pain.

My fault.

“It’s my fault,” I say aloud. “Everything. The band problems, our coldness, my loneliness. Your pain. It’s all my fault.”

Kirito isn’t looking at me. I think he’s scared of what I’m saying. I think he’s more scared of what I’m really saying.

Kirito’s never scared. But when it comes to me, he can do anything. He always has.

“Don’t do this.” His voice is raspy, and fluctuating from the effort to control it. “I can’t do anything if you’re not there. I can’t live without your support… without you.”

I keep staring at him, reveling in the pain I feel at Kirito’s suffering. More than anything, I’m Kirito’s best friend. It’s my only identity. The only thing I have that I can’t bear to lose.

“I could never have fought Aiji for you.” My voice is soft. I know he hears me anyway. “Kirito’s best friend would never act like a jealous lover. I couldn’t lose that. Being your best friend is my purpose. I could leave the band that we created, but I could never live through losing that.” I pause. “Losing you.”

“Did you ever think…” his voice is as soft as mine. I know what he’s saying anyway. “Did you ever think that maybe you could be both?”

He looks up at me. His eyes are intense, so intense I can’t read what they’re saying. I can’t look away.

“Did you ever think you could add to your purpose?” His voice strengthens. “That you could be my best friend and a lover?”

I stare at him. He stares back, his eyes full of an honesty that only I ever knew how to read.

“I don’t know how,” I whisper.

He reaches over and takes my tearstained hand.

“You could learn.”





~fin~





That… was amazingly depressing. And it could have been worse, too. My new angst-filled muse (that sounds a lot like negiyou) kept pushing me toward an unhappy ending. I had to fight it every step of the way, because this fic was depressing enough. I kept having to go back and try a different ending, because the one that kept popping into my head was one where Kirito convinces Jun to stay, but doesn’t break up with Aiji. And that would have been sad. And I like happy endings. So this ending was much better.

It also turned out longer than I expected. It was originally just going to be a short little drabble.

And writing this thing was intense! As I write these little comment thingies, I keep feeling like I was drowning and this is my first breath of air!
 
 
Current Music: X Japan - Endless Rain
 
 
 
Sue: KiriJunnegiyou on March 2nd, 2006 09:46 pm (UTC)
honestly, that somehow hurt... and I really LOVE the endling! It's nothing like anrealistic "you know, now I realize that I've actually been in love since I first saw you, let's have a fuck" nor "He doesn't love me so I'll become a depressed sucidal piece of trash covered in selfpitty, crying non stop while cutting my wrists"....really the right mix of everything, it's somehow sad because Jun really suffered and Kirito is now relizing, but it's somehow happy too, because there is a glimpse of sweet hope in Kiritos Words, and the fact that he does pay more attention to Jun than to Aiji when he notices how Jun feels...

And though I'm rather one to be harsh on depressive-Jun criticism, I like your version. He's not crying all the time, he's just honestly thinking that he's doing the right thing out of true friendship, and even though it hurts, he'll never change that. He's the type of friend who would even watch Kirito getting married, he'd even offer to take care of the kids while kirito goes to the theatre with his wife, just to be near him and to make sure he's all right...
maybe that's the only true way of loving someone, but it doesn't fulfill, it can't make happy...

GO for 'friendship ffs'!!!!!!!!!!!

You know the song "smile" by Michael Jackson (actually Charly Chaplin)? It's my fav song, and I somehow had to think about the lyrics while reading this fic... it so damn fits I think.

Anyway, I loved this one, it was calm, sad but beautiful at the same time.
It doesn't let the reader end this with a sad or empty feeling, I was smiling reading the last few lines. Your angst-filled muse is happy with this piece!*bows*
Omen-chanomen1x2 on March 3rd, 2006 02:52 am (UTC)
Yay! I'm so glad you liked it! It really was amazingly intense writing this... It did almost feel like I was drowning. I honestly think I love this fic more than all my rest, simply because it was so new to me, there was no 'Happily Ever After' ending... but it was still... hopeful.

And I really do think they're like this. I really do think that no matter what happens, they will always be each other's priorities, and would quite happily give up everything for the other.

And again, thank you for the long review! I love long reviews!
Kei: Dim. vis.kdelioncourt on March 2nd, 2006 10:12 pm (UTC)
Nice! I really like how you wrote this. =)
Omen-chan: Junomen1x2 on March 3rd, 2006 02:52 am (UTC)
Thank you! Any particular part, or just the fic as a whole?
(no subject) - kdelioncourt on March 3rd, 2006 08:40 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 3rd, 2006 10:03 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Sakura the Cookie Monstersakura121 on March 6th, 2006 05:01 am (UTC)
I loved the dialogue between Kirito and Jun so much. And, as a sucker for both a happy ending and an angsty ending, I loved the hopeful ending best. ^_^
Omen-chanomen1x2 on March 6th, 2006 05:19 am (UTC)
Thank you! This was definitely my favorite of all the fics I've written so far, even though it hurt to write.

But I'm like you. I love the conversation between Kirito and Jun.
(no subject) - sakura121 on March 8th, 2006 09:35 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 8th, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sakura121 on March 10th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 11th, 2006 12:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - sakura121 on March 11th, 2006 01:59 am (UTC) (Expand)
Tsukushi: Kiritojuusuikan on March 9th, 2006 11:10 pm (UTC)
♥_♥
SO bittersweet!
I was so teary in the end of the story T.T

How you mixed the bitter, the sweet and the fun was just awesome!
*huggles*
Omen-chanomen1x2 on March 9th, 2006 11:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks so much! I honestly think this is the best fic I ever wrote...

*huggles back* It was really depressing though...
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 9th, 2006 11:17 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 9th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 9th, 2006 11:33 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 12:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 10th, 2006 12:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 12:19 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 10th, 2006 12:20 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 12:23 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 10th, 2006 12:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 12:31 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 10th, 2006 12:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 12:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - juusuikan on March 10th, 2006 12:36 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 01:12 am (UTC) (Expand)
MissLelizmissleliz on March 10th, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
I still can't believe I didn't review this earlier. XD And that this fic is *angsty*! If the ending hadn't been fluffy, I would've been very mad. XDDD I'm a total fluff whore...I can't take the angst.

"Our real conversations never use words.

Lately, we’ve only been chatting.

We aren’t close, anymore."

I really liked those lines. They really seemed to sum up that point of understanding close friendships reach. ^^ Jun taking on all of it has his fault seems so *him*...that poor boy. T_T That he's willing to stand by and always keep silent to keep Kirito happy...he's so angsty. XD Thank God Kirito rescues him from his horrible angst in the end. ^^ It was really cute and left me bittersweetly happy. ^^
Omen-chanomen1x2 on March 10th, 2006 07:11 am (UTC)
I know. I've never been so depressed while writing a fic before. And my muse kept wanting to end it on a sad note. *glares at muse* We had long, vicious arguments about the end. But I won. Thank god. I hate unhappy endings.

And this fic hurt. I mean, poor Jun... what a sweetheart...
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chanomen1x2 on March 12th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
Yay! New review! And it's long! *is a happy bunny*

And I love the Kirito x Jun pairing, because there's so much you can do with them. I just wish more people would see that... ;_;

And I really like the way this one turned out. It just seems so... real...

And I love your reviews. I'll keep writing, as long as people like you are on the other end, reading and commenting!

*adds oni-sama*
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - omen1x2 on March 13th, 2006 08:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
izayoi_miki on April 5th, 2006 09:13 pm (UTC)
*sniff* Gods...that was depressing. Poor Jun! I really felt for him here...it was almost like feeling exactly what he was...that's really surprising for me because not a lot of writing can affect me that way. *sighs* Really good job on this one...I hope the next is happier though.
Omen-chanomen1x2 on April 6th, 2006 12:15 am (UTC)
This... is probably the best fic I ever wrote, and I don't think I'll ever be able to do a better. It's my masterpiece, I think. There's just... so much to it, written in between the lines. And it's so intense. You can't help but feel for Jun, and understand what he's going through.
(no subject) - izayoi_miki on April 6th, 2006 12:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
kyuichi18 on May 6th, 2006 11:54 am (UTC)
I hear him smirk. “Yes, you can.” <<< Hahahaha!!!

“I want you to talk to me, Jun.” His voice is so quiet, so pained. <<< *weeps* aww

“Did you ever think that maybe you could be both?” <<< AWWWWW O_O

I looooove the last line too!!!! *___*

Wheee, angsty and cute <3333 Loves!!
On the 'net I go by either kiriga or tvecklingkiriga on November 16th, 2006 09:24 pm (UTC)
*wails* It had a happy ending, yet yet... ToT