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18 February 2009 @ 10:41 pm
[fic] Train of Thought  
Title: Train of Thought
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s): JaeChun, JaeMin, HoMin
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me.
Summary: Just random thoughts as they appear to Changmin. Psychological.

Train of Thought
By Omen-chan

Changmin wonders to himself sometimes, late at night when sleep presses on the edges and his head works too hard and too fast for him to give in to it. Quick and subtle plays of thought-change, bordering on dreams but not, hypotheses about family and Korea and society.

Not that he knows much of anything about society, beyond the theoretical, his own limited beyond a constrained, contracted circle of five people. His world nothing more than harmonic voices, tired eyes and blind affection. Family.

He tries to kill the child inside, the one that’s still there because of age and situation and ridiculous weakness. Tries to smother the instinctive need for a mother, for touches in his hair, for lovingly made meals and late nights of nightmares and soothing, soft hands tucking him in.

Jaejoong takes that place, not just for him, but for all of them, but he appreciates it most. Him and Yoochun. Yoochun, Changmin assumes, because when he met them he felt lost and motherless, orphaned, almost, and even though his mother and brother have finally returned to Korea, they’re still gone more often than not, and Yoochun leans on his potential surrogate without realizing just why. Changmin appreciates it for mostly the same reasons (he’s not a baby, but he needs a mother, any mother, someone to love and be loved with true, unrestrained love and affection), but at least isn’t blind as to why.

He can’t quite contain the smugness he feels, sometimes, at being smarter than them. Smothers it as being too childish.

Yunho’s closest to being an ideal. An ideal father, an ideal brother, an ideal best friend, but as an ideal, he’s strung so taut with the fear of breaking it that he hides his own peaceful, childish nature beneath layers of forced maturity and responsibility. Changmin’s the only one that knows about Yunho’s moments, those times when being The Leader weighs him down too much, and he has to attack his punching bag, the wall, the air, dance until he can’t breathe anymore, until the feeling finally dissolves.

Changmin never says anything. He’s not sure it would be appreciated, but he feels sometimes that Yunho needs support just as badly as the rest of them do, and he’s there, silent and not pressing for answers, and Yunho loves him for it, even if nothing’s ever said.

Junsu’s the closest thing to “normal” about them. After years of watching, curious and lusting for knowledge (is it just inner strength? What’s his secret?), Changmin decides on the reason. It’s his brother. Junho is the grounding factor that Junsu can always rely on, feel his way through life with. He has exactly what the rest of them have, but in the same sense, he has more. He doesn’t have to lose himself in drink or muscle or sleep, and just is, and Changmin would resent it more, if Junsu weren’t so pure and full of life and joy, and generous as he shares it with the rest of them.

It would be easy to lean on him more, to rely on him with everything he had, and he gives in to that feeling sometimes. But it’s weak, so weak, and he would rather hide from Junsu altogether than allow himself to do it too often.

Changmin’s a little in love with Jaejoong, with their “mother,” and it annoys him deeply, for the same reason his childish tendencies and pride annoy him, because they all come from the same quarter. Hates the little pricks of jealousy in his chest when Jaejoong and Yoochun disappear behind closed doors, knowing-not-knowing what happens behind them, the horrible feelings of jealousy when they forget the rest of the world (forget him) again and again and again.

Yoochun doesn’t need a “mother” anymore, not now that he has everything else, and their relationship evolves, stagnates, changes-doesn’t-change because of it. Everything about them is so much the same, even when it’s all so different.

Changmin feels tossed aside, invisible, alone, missing his older brothers, missing the closest thing he has to a mother on a near daily basis. No one else cares, Yunho breathes easier in private, everything becomes that much easier for him, and Junsu only notices on the peripheral, but Changmin’s lost the closest thing he has to an anchor, and that angers him, causes him to spend more time in the bathroom, spilling out his frustration on those few meaningless tasks that he at least gets to have alone.

Changmin believes that the reason why SM Entertainment, JYP, all of those large production companies, why they take in the youths at an early age and shape them and mold them and throw them into secluded, controlled environments is some sort of psychological experimentation. He feels like a lab rat in an endless wheel with thousands of eyes watching him for results, for slip ups, for when he finally falls off. He thinks that those suits lob them all together like that in order to avoid the natural male mindset towards gangs, and the family and danger they represent. Create gangs of music and dancing instead, to work out the physical and to try and shape the country into a world that suits them.

And his thoughts run around and around in his head, no outlet, no release, until he could scream, cry, punch holes in the walls, but then they notice. And Jaejoong, Yunho, Yoochun, and Junsu forget about everything, about their own lives and their own problems, and they hold him until he can’t think anymore.

And he doesn’t care if he’s still a child trying to be a man, that everything’s confused and none of them are as happy as they should be, that things are out of their control and his life feels like one big corporate lie. He doesn’t care, because at least he has them, has love, has family, a family created and sustained by no bonds except pure affection, and he’s content again.


I have had this idea (this series of thoughts) running around my head on a near constant basis for months, and it was my goal to sit down and put it into some semblance of structure in time for Changmin's birthday, and all I hope is that I didn't fail miserably.

(The theory about Korean production companies molding children from an early age to prevent gang violence by creating a sort of government sponsored gang through music is something that I've been entertaining much longer than any of the other thoughts I gave Changmin. Years, perhaps, and I kind of want to expand on it someday.)
thyluvlyname212thyluvlyname212 on February 19th, 2009 04:57 am (UTC)
ah. very thought provoking. =3 i like it. XD woa! i didnt know about that theory! =D!
Omen-chanomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Oh, it's just my own theory, something that kind of hit me one day. I like it because it makes sense.
thyluvlyname212thyluvlyname212 on February 19th, 2009 05:02 am (UTC)
oh dang it rly DOES. XD that's so kewl...=P
Omen-chanomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 05:04 am (UTC)
Hehe, thanks. I'm glad that you agree. ^^
this is where we begincant_stop02 on February 19th, 2009 05:28 am (UTC)
asldkhsdf. spot for me. ♥
this is where we begincant_stop02 on February 19th, 2009 05:43 am (UTC)
wow. this entire thing- just, wow. ♥
i love the way you portrayed Changmin. it seems so him, how he needs love and affection because he's still so young and all.
:) loved this. the theory made me really think. you should definitely expand on it!
Omen-chan: Kirito - Flowersomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 05:51 am (UTC)
Ooooooooohhhh... Thank you. I'm so glad you liked the way I wrote him, because it does seem to me like he tries so hard to be an adult that he tries to kill the child in him more often than not. (I think it's also tragic that no one seems to notice.)

I waaaaaaaaaaant to. I itch to expand on it. I'm just not quite sure if anyone would want to read it. >.>
this is where we begincant_stop02 on February 19th, 2009 06:06 am (UTC)
He does keep to himself an awful lot, it seems. And he's always acting so mature and not 21 years old. His inner child is disappearing.. ;_;

I would read it!! :DD Please write it, I want to seeee~ And I'm sure a lot of other people would want to read it too! It's really interesting, this idea.
Omen-chanomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 09:22 am (UTC)
It is, and it makes me sad. I wish someone would tell Changmin that he doesn't have to force himself to grow up as fast as he is. Take a leaf out of Jaejoong's book and just never grow up at all.

You think so? ^o^ (I'm never sure if my ideas are pure whacked out-ness, or if they could actually work.)
this is where we begincant_stop02 on February 20th, 2009 02:58 am (UTC)
:( Makes me sad too. He needs to let loose&just relax, be a kid, run around, do whatever.

Yes, I think so! Your ideas aren't whacked, they're awesome. ;) And they makes sense!
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: Kirito - Solaceomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 10:58 am (UTC)
I was worried for a while there that I wouldn't get around to it, and I'd feel guilty forever for it. I'm glad I managed. ^^

I basically gave Changmin the observations I've made myself, and twisted them to fit his personality. Yunho's inability to hide how childish his nature really is is just depressing to me. I think it's horrible that they have to force themselves into certain positions and make certain sacrifices to keep their group going.

Yes. And the quicker you try to grow up, the more violent it is. If you let it happen, the inner child has a more natural death, but when you try to force it, that's when things get bloody (metaphorically).
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: Hiroto - Black and Whiteomen1x2 on February 19th, 2009 08:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, I'm sure it is. But every now and then (and it is SO rare), he has these moments where you really do get to see how much of a little kid he still is. (Those are always my favorite Yunho moments.)

I think what they mean is that he had the least tragedy, compared to the others. But I think Changmin's childhood was just as screwed up as the rest of them, and Changmin's reaction to it (because if there's anyone that would realize it, it would be him) was simply to force himself to become an adult as soon as possible. A child can't handle a life like that. It's why most children stars become drug addicts, alcoholics, or have severe problems.

Ah, that's a pity, because it's true. And you can really see it in the Dong Bang Shin Ki guys especially.
성희sungie86 on February 20th, 2009 03:48 am (UTC)
i think the root of the issue is that being a performer is a full time job, and children are not cut out for full time jobs. in any job, you have to act maturely, play certain roles, uphold certain fronts, maintain balance, get limited vacation, and have to make sacrifices. it's not a lot to ask of an adult, which they are now, but the horror of it is that kids, little kids get into this stuff for the glamour or the passion, and they don't even come close to realizing that they are basically signing up for what is, at the most rudimentary level, child labor. in what other industry do children work legally besides showbiz & entertainment?

it strips them of their childhood, if anything. yunho though, his maturity is inherent and well-developed. i identify with him deeply. changmin i feel for though - he did get in too young and is dealing with the repercussions of having spent his formative years working instead of growing and developing a sense of self and personality.

this fic was good, we need more eye-openers like this :)
Omen-chanomen1x2 on February 20th, 2009 04:27 am (UTC)
*nods* More than just a full time job. Being a performer, one has to work around the clock, insane hours and practically performing in your sleep. There are those that choose that for themselves, with innocence and naivete, and there are the ones that are forced into it by their parents. It's just a harsh life.

Thank you! *hugs* I always value your opinion. ♥