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02 July 2008 @ 01:27 pm
 
Title: Autumn
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG
Fandom: Persona 3
Pairing: Akinari x Minato Arisato
Summary: Akinari POV drabble. The Sun Arcana reflects on death and the meaning of his life.





Autumn

by Omen-chan




"What is the meaning of life?" The immortal question, but I find it irrelevent. If we were immortal, we would not seek the meaning of life, because we would not need meaning. We could just live our lives, ignorant of any possible higher power, or selfish need of purpose. The real question we are to afraid to ask is, "What is the meaning of death?" Why do we die? Why are some deaths painless, and others beyond any form of man-made torture, until we scream out our desires for it to end? But we don't truly want it to end. We would rather our lives of pain drag on, although we would prefer them without the pain.

I believe religion was created out of a need to feel that there is life after death. Without religion, what would happen when we died? Nothing. Just... an endless, terrible blank blackness. An eternity of nothing. But we can believe in heaven or reincarnation. Therefore, we don't end; we continue, in some form. Man's egotistical belief that the world could not exist without him.

These were the thoughts that were always with me, waking or sleeping, haunting me.

But then you came.

I didn't want to know you, at first. Your very vitality pouring from every part of you. Even your natural silence seemed to be an odious thing, taunting me with what I could not have. And yet, I sought solace in you. Huddling perversely in your life as the only pure light I could find.

You were the only one who understood me, I think. My mother, so racked with guilt at her inability to give me a lasting, strong life, could barely look at me. My poor, drawn, exhausted, loving, living, guilt-ridden mother. I never gave her as much love as she deserved. I believe I was too terrified of destroying her, the pain of my existence and death would be tenfold, if we loved each other.

I believe that some part of me felt safe in loving you, or maybe I was so desperate for affection of any kind that I grasped it selfishly. Maybe you felt that your time was limited as well, and that was why you could understand me, when others would not, or could not.

But I am grateful. You gave me a form of life, instead of this life in death that has always been a part of me.

And even if there was a choice between never knowing you and living, or knowing you and dying, I would have chosen you. Perhaps that truly was the price I had to pay, for the gift of your light in my shadowed, painful life, and I just didn't know I was paying it until I met you.

My only regret, I think, is that I never kissed you. I had always felt sickened and superior to those ridiculous girls in books that didn't want to die without their first kiss. What good was a kiss? They were dying anyway. I did not want a "first kiss." And I still don't. I simply want to have kissed you. To feel the warmth and light and quiet joy of living that you had blessed me with myself, instead of the vague echoes I clinged to.

And yet, that is a blessing, to have had only one real regret, in my simple, dark existence. It is more than I expected.

That autumn was my first summer, and my first life.

Thank you.




~fin~




Comment, please. ^____^
 
 
 
pandamanium on July 3rd, 2008 02:48 am (UTC)
Wow, intense. I really like the philosophical tone of this; it makes it universal versus specific to fandom. So you're right, I really did understand it. XD

But this was really awesomely written, and you really succeeded at establishing a depressing mood. So sad. ;.; Good work though! Your stuff is always so good. ^^
Omen-chanomen1x2 on July 3rd, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I actually put a lot of thought and effort into this (more so than usual), because I wanted to portray the darkness of Akinari's character, combined with his slight cynicism and inner core of strength. And it was hard. But I'm so glad you liked it. ^^

And go play my game, darling! I promise you you'll like it.
syllabalvenomsyllabalvenom on July 3rd, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
I enjoyed this very much.

Specially how Minato was present but at the same time not. I think that was what got me the most.

Thank you for sharing your writing with us.
Omen-chan: Kirito - Daybreak02omen1x2 on July 3rd, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. ^^

I love that you caught that, because I was trying to portray him as he is in the game. You know, present, but still kind of not a central part of the interactions, almost like he's always an observer, but still making such a huge impression on people.

You're very welcome. And I hope to write more, because there is no video game in the world like Persona 3. ♥
Sakura the Cookie Monstersakura121 on July 3rd, 2008 03:32 am (UTC)
This fic was so good! It was heartbreaking, especially the paragraph about the kiss. ;__;
Omen-chan: Kirito - Lightomen1x2 on July 3rd, 2008 03:41 am (UTC)
Yeah... I wish Akinari had at least gotten a snuggle. ;___;
kitsune_prophet: minato cute-eyeskitsune_prophet on July 4th, 2008 12:14 am (UTC)
B-bawww.... How sweet...

Yay! I'm not the only one with MinatoAkinari stuffs!! Woo!

This is really quite emotional. Heart-wrenching. I love that powerful emotion you feel when you socialize with Akinari, and you captured it very well.
Omen-chan: Yukariomen1x2 on July 4th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC)
I really think there ought to be more for them. I mean... poor Akinari... We could at least be nice and give him something.

Thank you so much. I've been wanting to do something with Akinari ever since I first played the game. I loved him. And he always makes me teary, no matter how many times I play it.