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14 June 2007 @ 10:45 am
Title: The Door
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Yoshiki + hide
Summary: Yoshiki takes his pain and his fears, and his sense of guilt with him everywhere. Even into his dreams. An early and rather depressing birthday fic for yokozuki.
Warnings: Supreme angst.

The Door
By Omen-chan

He wandered lazily. He felt a tug, he knew he should hurry…. But he was scared. He couldn't hurry. He knew what he would find.

Christmas. He and Toshi were running around, children again, waiting for their parents to finish shopping. The Ginza was always so crowded, so full of life, but Christmas was the best. So many lovers together, so many people finding the small gifts for first Christmas, and then New Years. Toshi was running so much faster than him, but somehow, Toshi seemed to think he couldn't keep up.

"Matte o, Yocchan! Matte!" And then Toshi was gone. Toshi had run off without him, disappearing into the crowds, only there were no crowds. Everyone was gone. Yoshiki was alone.

He stopped completely, everything dark. Looking around, appearing vaguely curious but inside… terrified. He saw the Door up ahead. He wouldn't go in. He refused to even get close.

He ran off in the other direction.

"He's amazing, isn't he?" The quiet murmur, barely audible over the sounds of the bar and the music, had surprisingly come from him. He usually didn't become overwhelmed by…. well, anything. But in this bar, here, tonight, something elemental and electric had taken stage.

He couldn't have stayed in his seat if he'd tried.

Carefully, almost shyly, he made his way over.

Yoshiki froze, then. He didn't understand why. He never froze. This had never happened.

And then he saw it.

The blood on His clothes. On his hands. Around his…

Yoshiki ran.

He carefully blotted that one out of his memory, being careful to remember The Smile, The Warmth… He didn't expect it to work in his dreams any more than he did waking.

They were annoying him. This was important, essential, it was his song, and they were giggling like little boys. Joking. Talking.

He snapped. And that flash of hurt in Hide's eyes was…

This had actually happened, he reminded himself. Many times. They were used to it. Expected it, probably. And he'd never noticed them getting upset over it.

But he knew, somehow, that it had hurt. He'd never noticed it before, when it had mattered.

But it hurt all the same.

At the Door again. Only closer. Too close. He didn't want this. Turning his back on it, he stalks away, hoping to show the Door, or the Fates, or Hide, or himself that…. It didn't matter. He didn't have to go through the Door. Didn't have to torture himself in his dreams.

All of them were children. Little miniatures of Hide, Pata, and Heath, with the Toshi he had known when he was young.

Happily, they all went slippity-slide down the water slides, screaming with boyish glee. Somehow, they ended up playing tag in the pool.

Hide caught him within moments. "Gotcha! Yoooooochan!"

Yoshiki pouted. He hated losing.

Hide kissed his cheek affectionately and then put something in Yoshiki's hand. Swimming off, he started trying to catch the rest of them.

Looking down at his now adult-sized hand, Yoshiki saw a drumstick. His drumstick. Dropping it, he swam after Hide. He didn't want to be left alone.

He could never get away from this Door, it seemed. Every time he thought he'd escaped, it reappeared, closer, bigger, even more frightening. But he refused to go in. He didn't want to see what was on the other side.

Alone in his home. Bottles everywhere that he hadn't drunk, and a form on the couch that wasn't him. Bloodstains on the table. On the couch. On the carpet. On the piano.

"That's going to be a bitch to clean up, you know."

Pata lifted a bleary eye and says, monotone, "Something happened to the puppy. Why couldn't you take care of it?"

And there, on the floor, was the mutilated form of a… puppy.

"'He could take care of himself,' ne? 'I don't have to be there for him all the time…' That's what you're thinking, right?"


"Liar. You may not be thinking those things now, but you thought them once."

A scream. A loud, terrible, heart-wrenching scream.

And it was coming from the floor. From the puppy.

Yoshiki whimpered when he found himself at the Door again. Too close. Close enough to touch it, this time.

Then, a warm hand on his shoulder, friendly, familiar head resting against his neck.

"I don't want to go in."

He could see, without looking, Hide's expression. An eye roll, a familiar flip of long hair - but it had been short when he - and then moving away to give a proper scolding. "You won't see anything in there you've never seen before."

"Then why do I need to see it again?" The rising panic in his voice is uncharacteristic and he tries to smash it down. But he can't. As powerless over his voice as everything else.

Hide gave Yoshiki a little half smile and punched his arm. "I don't know. Maybe you've forgotten?"

Yoshiki glanced at the Door. It filled his vision, his memories, his mind, his heart, his breath. "I haven't forgotten this door. I'll never forget this door."

Hide kissed Yoshiki's cheek. Not like the way the young Hide had. It was slower, less innocent and more sensual, and it took a while for Hide to pull away. When he did, Hide had tears on his cheeks.

"It's not about the door, Yocchan. It's about what's on the other side."

Quietly, "I haven't forgotten what was on the other side either."

And then a smile through the tears. Beautiful. "Oh, I think you have, Yocchan." Taking Yoshiki's hand, he places it on the doorknob. "I really think you have."

Yoshiki opened the door. Walking into a familiar, light-filled room, he looks around in confusion. The light is almost blinding in its unlikeliness. It had been night when…

"Well, there you are!" Yoshiki whirls, still confused and feeling vulnerable.

Instead of the… form… hanging from the door, he sees… Hide. Alive. Well. Holding a bottle of beer out to him.

"I was beginning to think you were going to stand me up!" A chuckle at his own joke, and a playful tilt of the head. "Come on, I'm going to end up all depressed-drunk without my best buddy to keep me on the ground."

Uncertainly, he takes the beer.


This little piece of sunshine was actually based off of a dream I had last night. You can imagine how I felt when I woke up.

I have absolutely no idea if this is any good, being my first dips into a Fandom That Isn't Mine (i.e. KiriJun). Still, always good to try new things, right? Right?
Current Music: kagrra, - Fuyu ~genwaku no joukei~
Piac: Yoshikix_shock_me_x on June 14th, 2007 03:59 pm (UTC)
wow! That's....that's.....wow. Wow. I'm sorry, but just...wow!

You have such a way with words, you write so beautifully.

Excuse me while I run off and sob ;__;

and yes, new things is always good. lol
Omen-chan: Angeloomen1x2 on June 14th, 2007 04:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs tightly* Thank you sooooo much. It's terrifying going off in the uncharted territories, you know. And this was just one Much-Too-Depressing thing to write. ;_;
Piac: Hiroto reflectedx_shock_me_x on June 14th, 2007 08:49 pm (UTC)
yes, but it made me feel rather sad, so it did it's job ne? and yes, I understand the fear of diving into unknown waters, but you did a marvelous job!

You know, I adore your KiriJun to no end, but sometimes it's good to try something new. You sjould do it again sometime *cough* ShouxHiroto *cough*
Omen-chanomen1x2 on June 14th, 2007 09:49 pm (UTC)
*purrs* My, what a pretty icon you have there. With Hiro's pretty.... neck. *grabs icon and runs off to molest it in private*
Piac: Hiroto bluex_shock_me_x on June 15th, 2007 12:22 am (UTC)
which reminds me, I need to do you some ShouxHiroto icons *starts capping Alice in Wonderfilm*
yokozukiyokozuki on June 14th, 2007 06:23 pm (UTC)



=3 Thank you. It's one of the bestest birthday presents I've ever gotten. Thank you so much for writing it. DESPITE PUPPY. You did a lovely job. <3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!
Omen-chan: Jun02omen1x2 on June 14th, 2007 06:32 pm (UTC)
It took me WAY too long to stop laughing insanely at your comment. I'm still giggling, actually. XDDDDDDD

*pets and snuggles and hands over happy, bouncy, tail-wagging, non-mutilated puppy* There you go. I promise, no puppies were harmed in the making of this fic. ^o^

*bounces happily* I'm soooooooooo glad you liked it! I was really, really, REALLY nervous about delving into a fandom I have not as yet written for. But you deserve something pretty for your birthday! ^o^
Naoちゃん: Kra Yuura is so Sugoi!sykem on June 14th, 2007 06:28 pm (UTC)
Yes~ New is always good!

Loved it honey! I could feel the emotion in it and honestly...I just...really liked it...even if it made me so unbelivably sad.
Omen-chan: Kirito in pretty colorsomen1x2 on June 14th, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)
But it's supposed to make you sad, yes? So it fulfills its purpose. XD
chantrea_johari on June 15th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
Wow, dear. This was powerful. I read it in a rush, because the style of writing made me feel almost as if I had too, so eager was I to get to the next bit. It was a journey, a roller coaster ride of emotions, and the chosen syntax and structure of this fic fit that perfectly.

I loved the snapshots in time, and the way the focus kept shifting, and yet returning to the imagery of the door. That was a great unifying element to the fic, and definitely helped keep a vein of continuity in the fic. The subtlety of all the little moments you showed, the undercurrent of emotion in them...it was incredibly engrossing and wonderful.

"It's not about the door, Yocchan. It's about what's on the other side."

I thought this line was very poignant and especially powerful. It was perfectly-placed, too.

Thank you for feeding into my hide x Yoshiki fixation as of late. This was definitely a perfect fix for my addiction. (^_-)☆
Omen-chanomen1x2 on June 15th, 2007 01:18 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you liked it, hun. And I always enjoy the long/semi-long reviews that actually go in-depth so that a person can grow as a writer. ^o^

And I think it's about time I delved into more fandoms than my favorite one. Yohide is the easiest one to do that with, since I grew up with it, but I wanna try others too. But I don't want to abandon my favorite fandom. *pets her KiriJun*
lauren michelle donlevyparanoiattack on July 13th, 2007 04:30 am (UTC)
*random person* HOLDDDDDD UP. I KNOW YOU. >:O I met you, at JROCK REVOLUTION, and you had all of the wonderful wonderful wonderful jesus christ, EPIC PIERROT things. which ilu for. you sat with us in line. .____. and you (or she, I don't know) added my sister already. akuma_no_mi.

may I add you as well? T__________T
Omen-chanomen1x2 on July 13th, 2007 02:31 pm (UTC)
Of course you can! ^o^ *adds*

Also, my personal lj is over at jishuu_kisei. This one's just my writing journal. ^^
lauren michelle donlevy: 【food】 → カプケク②paranoiattack on July 13th, 2007 05:08 pm (UTC)
oh, okay. :{D I'll add that one as well then.