?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 
 
29 November 2006 @ 10:13 pm
 
Title: Alone
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Pierrot
Pairing: Slight Kirito + Jun
Summary: Aiji POV. Angsty fic about how the breakup happened, and why.
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me.







Alone

by Omen-chan




It's part of growing up, I suppose. As children we never thought about loneliness, not like the way we do when we get older.

We understood being alone - the concept of having no one around you.

But we didn't understand being alone. The complete and utter knowledge that no matter what you do, no matter how many people you surround yourself with, you're solitary. No one could ever understand you - could possible be a part of you through every aspect of your life.

That's why I'm so desperate for people... Because otherwise, I'm not even sure if I'm alive.

And I have to be alive. If I'm not alive, then what do I have left?

Nothing.

A whole lot of nothing.

Why doesn't anyone else ever see that? Why am I the only one to see how alone we all are?

Maybe they just didn't need anyone.

Or maybe... maybe they already had what they needed.

Maybe that's why I tried so hard to tear them apart.

I was sick of being the only one alone.



I didn't bother with Kohta. The Murata ties are strong, and nothing would ever induce him to betray his brother, or even leave him. He's Kirito's loyal watch dog.

I tried Takeo first. Since he, like me, hadn't been an original member, and was something of a loner, I figured it wouldn't take too long. So I tried. And tried.

For over a year, I kept trying.

It never occurred to me that it would never happen, that, for some reason, I simply would not be able to succeed.

I still don't know what it was that made him stay. He never told me.

But maybe... He's as terrified as I am of being alone. Maybe he knew it would hurt him as much as it would hurt them if he left. He was being just as selfish as the rest of us. He wasn't making any kind of sacrifice.

But Jun... Jun was amazingly easy.



I just showed up at his door one day, without warning. I could tell he was surprised, and I could tell he was trying not to show it.

Jun has always been sweet, and he's always tried to make his guests comfortable, even if his guests were people that he saw every day.

Once I'd settled down on his sofa, coffee in hand, I didn't hesitate.

"How long do you think you can ride on Kirito's success?"

Jun looked as shocked as if I'd pulled out a gun and shot him. He licked his lips, stammering, "W-What are you talking about?"

I sighed, and set my coffee on the side table. I lit a cigarette and placed it against my lips, inhaling. "Don't act as if you haven't thought of this yourself, Jun. I know you better than that."

Jun looked down at his clasped hands.

"I know you stay awake at night wondering what will happen to you once Kirito gets sick of being your nursemaid."

I pulled my cigarette out of my mouth and examined it. "And I know you feel sick at the thought of Kirito getting tired of you. The only way to get away from that... Is for you to leave him, before he can leave you."

Jun was amazingly easy.



Kirito was shocked, at first. I think it took him a week before he even began to grasp it.

Once he had, he was in denial. For months. I think he'd actually managed to convince himself it was some kind of cruel joke.

Then he tried to convince us to stay. He bribed us with anything he could think of, even settled on the hiatus, thinking that a simple break would be enough.

It was when the anger hit that I knew I had succeeded. He was dying inside.



It was almost sickening how well my plan worked.

After that, everyone was alone. And everyone felt it. Everyone blamed themselves, and everyone hated themselves, and the loneliness was all-consuming.

Complete isolation.

And I wasn't alone anymore.

And every time I looked into Kirito's eyes, I knew he was just as dead as me.

I'd managed to tear apart the two people that no one should have ever been able to seperate.

I had succeeded, and I'll never forgive myself for it.




~fin~




This was my first real time getting into Aiji's head, and, honestly, I rather like it. I know that most of you probably think it's some sort of "Aiji is a bad guy" fic, but that's not how I meant it. It's just Aiji being horribly, sickeningly lonely, and trying everything he can not to feel alone with his pain anymore, only to discover that the lack of feeling alone isn't worth the pain that he's caused for everyone, even himself.

Also, for those who don't know, denial, bargaining, and anger are the first three stages of dying. It was a subtle way of showing how much this affected Kirito.
 
 
 
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chanomen1x2 on November 30th, 2006 05:36 am (UTC)
Most people probably won't like how I wrote Aiji, but this wasn't about Aiji being a villain, it was about Aiji being human. And he had to learn the hard way that no one really gets what they truly want, you know?
Piac: Kirito!x_shock_me_x on November 30th, 2006 01:43 pm (UTC)
wow! angsty!! <3 angsty-pretty boys!! lol

I really really liked this one! I loved how you wrote Aiji, its like even though what he did was wrong, us readers can still empathize with him.
Omen-chan: Takeo02omen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:18 am (UTC)
*nods* And really, we can all completely understand where he's coming from, I think.
pandamanium on November 30th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
Bad, Aiji- BAD! No biscuit!

*insert bitter ranting here*

I don't like to badmouth him when it's not just me and you, Katie, but GRRR.

It was good though.^^
Omen-chan: kannivalism's Keiomen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:19 am (UTC)
lmao
Thanks. XD
On the 'net I go by either kiriga or tvecklingkiriga on November 30th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
Waaah ToT *goes and cries in a corner*

I like the way you wrote Aiji o.o It was really good... And so angsty ;_; I love it!
Omen-chan: Hilarious SID-ness XDomen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:20 am (UTC)
*pets* It's okay, writing this depressed me too.
On the 'net I go by either kiriga or tvecklingkiriga on December 1st, 2006 06:53 am (UTC)
Yes, but it's good depressing! And, as the other's said, it makes one think.
Teriteri_grander on November 30th, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC)
*desperately and unsuccessfully searching for words*
It seems I could understand Aiji the way you wrote him... and I kinf of... feel sorry for him, but it's the way he's chosen it to be, isn't it? in your fic, I mean.
Omen-chan: Kirito - Lightomen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:21 am (UTC)
*nods* We feel horrible for him, but yeah, he made his own choices. That's why he knows that he's to blame for everything, and that's why he hates himself by the end, you know?
badurakku on November 30th, 2006 08:49 pm (UTC)
Hm... I actually love the way you wrote Aiji here. I'm not sure how, or why, but I felt like I could connect with him and understand his intentions. Like... I got a sense of bitterness out of this, and I can really relate with that.

*cough*

But that aside, I really liked this fic. It was very well-written and... like... I don't know how to describe it, but it made me think.
Omen-chanomen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:23 am (UTC)
*glomps* Thank you! ♥

I was waiting for someone to actually sit back and think about exactly what Aiji was doing, and why. And you know that feeling you get of helplessness about your own unhappiness? Well, he didn't have the strength to make himself happy and he knew it. All he could do was make everyone else as miserable as him. So he was simply making the only choice he possibly could.
badurakku on December 1st, 2006 12:31 am (UTC)
You're very welcome. :3

That's exactly it. I wanted to say something like that but couldn't find the right words. *SWT*
Omen-chan: Miyavi - Hopelessly Devotedomen1x2 on December 1st, 2006 12:42 am (UTC)
*pets* You probably haven't had as much practice as me with being verbose and thought-inducing. :P

Practice, and you'll be as good as me at it, though! ♥