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21 November 2008 @ 06:07 pm
 
Title: Proud
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: DBSK/TVXQ
Pairing: JaeChun
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me.
Summary: Yoochun reflects on his introduction to the group, and the events after it. Yoochun POV.




Proud
by Omen-chan



It's a miracle, to me, a special, personal miracle that we all love each other so much. A hodge-podge thrown together, some knowing others, some not, me a complete stranger. The chances were insurmountable that there would be issues, that someone in there wouldn't fit.

I thought for sure it would be me.

But they wouldn't let me not fit. They took me in and accepted me and pushed my ragged corners in so that even if I wasn't the right piece, I still completed the puzzle. The five of us making one incomprehensibly perfect whole.

Meeting them, that first day, was one of the most terrifying and wonderful days of my life. I had no idea what to expect, what to think, or even how to breathe as I was pulled into the room full of strangers, too crowded, and no way to escape.

Junsu grabbed for my hand first, laughing and talking loudly over the rest, "You're American? Where's your blonde hair? You look just like the rest of us!"

I think I was staring, his smile was so bright, and my brain was going so fast I couldn't connect the syllables to make the words.

Then calmer, quieter, another voice interrupted him and pulled Junsu's hand away, giving me space to breathe. "Hyung, give him some room. We haven't even been introduced, yet."

More laughter, but then compliance, and the blinding smile moved back some, and I took a ragged breath.

The manager - I couldn't remember his name, and it shamed me, feeling horrible and guilty - had them line up in front of me so I could see each face as they introduced themselves. He probably thought it would calm me, but it made me feel more like being set for execution at a firing range. There seemed to be dozens of them, not just four, and I couldn't focus properly. My eyes were probably dazed.

And then a hand rose to cover a mouth, trying and failing to stifle a laugh, and I looked into large, warm, brown eyes. They looked back at me as if we'd known each other for years, as if this were nothing more than a silly game, and he could tease me for overreacting later.

I'd never had an older brother, but I thought, at first, that the feelings of safety and relief and home overwhelming me might be the closest I'd ever be to having one.

He moved his hand from his mouth and held it out. "Kim Jaejoong."

I held it, rather than shaking it, and finally managed to whisper my name.

"Ooooooo..." The response surprised me, as they all leaned in closer. I jerked my hand away from Jaejoong's and took a step back.

"See, Changmin? He does know Korean! He's a Korean! He's... He's a fake American!"

I couldn't help laughing with the rest of them.



I took a bracing breath as I set my bags down on my new bed. I wasn't going to be homesick, I knew, because what was home anyway? A broken family, or a country I'd hated, or a place I barely even knew.

I told myself this, over and over, but I wasn't really surprised when the tears came.

The sound of the door opening behind me did, however, and I quickly wiped my eyes, inhaling sharp air and moving to unpack. I couldn't remember, if I'd ever even known, who I'd be rooming with. I'd just followed them and entered the door where they'd pointed, exhausted physically and mentally and wanting nothing more than to escape for a few blessed seconds.

After putting a few clothes in the chest of drawers next to my bed, I braced myself against it and then finally turned to look at my new roommate.

Jaejoong hummed to himself, not looking at me, as he spread his arms wide and threw himself face first on my bed, landing on my bags and knocking a couple to the ground. Muffled by suitcase and pillow and long hair, I barely managed to make out what he said.

"Want to escape?"

"'Escape'?"

He rolled over and nearly fell off the bed. I instinctively moved to catch him, but he laughed and waved me off. "You know, escape. Leave. Get out of here."

He grinned at me, and I grinned back. "What do you suggest we do?"

He tried to shrug, but his positioning on my bed, awkward and lumped over my bags prevented him. "Who cares? Escape is the important part, don't you think?"

"Just us?"

"Just us. Me and my new roomie. We'll hit the town. Do..." He waved his hands again, noncommittal. "Do stuff. Of some type. Come back in the early hours of the morning and have a shitty day tomorrow, dead on our feet, followed promptly by falling flat on our faces."

"Sounds fantastic. Let's do it."



For some reason, I couldn't seem to take my eyes off his hand. Fingers curled around the glass, condensation wetting his fingers, sometimes moving to play with the rim, mostly just holding it. Maybe, I wondered drunkenly, I just didn't want to get lost in those deep eyes again, the way I'd been seeming to do all night.

"I'm surprised you agreed to doing this with me."

"What? Going out?"

"Drinking. You naughty boy, you, you're underage."

"So are you."

A laugh, and then I watched as he lifted the glass from the table, and maybe I'd been focusing on the wrong thing, after all, because watching his hand on the glass inevitably led to me watching him drink from it, eyes closed and mouth wet as he swallowed.

I looked down at my own glass. That, surely, was safe.

"So, do you speak English?"

I shrugged. It hadn't taken me very long at all to realize that they were, all of them, completely fascinated by my life in America. "Of course."

"Say something."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Anything. Just say something."

I'd always hated requests like that. What could I possibly say? But I shrugged again, and pointed to his glass. "Are you finished with that?" I asked. He tilted his head at me, dark eyes unreadable, as I continued. "I wouldn't mind having it, if you are."

He silently holds it out for me, and I take it, and we both ignore that my own glass is still half full as I down it in one go, and he orders another one.

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Are you going to do it for me?"

I'd drank too quickly, my head was spinning around behind my eyes, and all I could do was stare at him, trying to focus, and only really noticing how long his lashes were. I processed his question slowly, and what I came up with confused me. "'Do it'?"

"Yeah."

"We're going to do it, now?"

He stared at me, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, before a laugh burst out of him and he covered his mouth with his hand, slumping down in his chair as if to hide his mirth. I'd only known him a day, but I'd already begun to wonder at his habit of hiding his smiles like that, as if he was depriving the world of something beautiful, some great treasure.

I stared at him as he ran a hand through his long, dark hair, trying to calm himself, then fighting a smile, he said, "No. Speak English."

And I was too drunk, off of the alcohol and the noises around me and the lights, playing with his hair and making his eyes glint for a moment, then going dark again, so I couldn't see his expression, so I just complied. I don't even know what I said, but it must have been suitable, or he didn't understand me, because he just grinned happily when I was done and said, "You sound different when you speak English."

"I do?"

"Yeah. Older. And younger."

I laughed with him, at the nonsensical statement. "How's that?"

He shrugged, hints of his smile still swimming at the corners of his mouth and in his eyes. "Your voice is deeper. But... I don't know, you sound..." He paused and took a long gulp of his new drink. I waited patiently as he finally put the glass down and looked me in the eye. "Vulnerable, I guess."

And the only thing I could think of was that he looked just that way. Too old, and too young, and so vulnerable. I gently reached up and pushed the hair out of his eyes.



The next day was exactly as Jaejoong had predicted. We leaned on each other all morning, trying not to look as if the lights were sending sharp, piercing needles into our craniums via our eyeballs, probably still smelling like the booze we'd only stopped drinking a few hours before.

Yunho, Junsu, and Changmin had taken it upon themselves to torture us mercilessly, and I never could figure out if it was because we'd gone out and gotten drunk, or that we'd gone out and gotten drunk without them.

We would have probably relied on each other to defend ourselves from the random attacks, some funny, some silly, most just fun (for them), if they hadn't seen right through such a ploy even before we'd had a chance to think of it, and seperated us.

I couldn't help but resent Jaejoong for a short moment, as Yunho, after a few successful attempts to drive into Jaejoong's head that hangovers were bad, bad things, just stopped, and started acting towards him as he always did. I resented Yunho even more the next moment, as I saw Jaejoong hang over Yunho's shoulder, clutching his head in pain.

Junsu and Changmin, I guessed because they were younger, and didn't feel comfortable just yet with attacking a hyung, even in play, attached themselves to me for their pranks.

I'd have probably appreciated their immediate acceptance and friendship with me, if it weren't causing such horrible pain. Even Junsu's barks of laughter were killing me.

"We're never doing this again," I mumbled into Jaejoong's neck at the end of the long, long day. "It's not worth it."

I felt fingers playing with my hair, then stop. "You don't think it's worth it?"

Junsu, contrite, tapped my shoulder and gave me his water, still smiling. I took it and grinned back, saluting him with the bottle, then turned back to Jaejoong, looking him in the eyes. "Well, maybe it's worth it."



Those first few months flew by, practices and recording and promotions, and somehow, along the way, we'd all started to lean on each other as the only people we had. They included me in this, and I was shocked, the day I realized that I was as necessary to our home built amongst the storm. If any one of us had been taken away, we'd have toppled and the lives we'd been living, the safety we had created, would have disappeared as if it had never existed. We survived because we had each other.

Jaejoong slept for a day and a half.

That day after we'd finished our first music video, we didn't even have the strength to feel successful at our first huge step.

I watched him, exhausted myself, and had never felt more terrified.

Yunho kept coming by, and I kept hoping that this time, he'd become exasperated and wake him up. But he would just peek in, give me a small smile, and move on, as if this weren't our group's precious hyung sleeping for hours upon hours, not even moving.

Occasionally, I'd pull myself up, my worry outweighing my exhaustion, and check to make sure he was still breathing, that he hadn't slipped away while I was watching.

I loved him too much to lose him, I knew.

I refused to leave the room, and slowly, steadily, the others came in to join me, once they realized there was no way they could draw me out while Jaejoong was sleeping, the four of us having small, quiet pillow fights on my bed.

Changmin managed to give me a pretty good whop with my pillow when I noticed movement coming from Jaejoong's bed, completely forgetting about the game and sitting there, defenseless.

I didn't care. He was finally awake, and he was looking at me, his hair falling in his eyes, expression confused.

"What are you all doing in here?"

Yunho grinned and the three of them jumped off my bed to hug him tightly. I just sat on the floor, peering up at them, and Jaejoong stared at me wide-eyed over Junsu's shoulder.

They all started talking to him at once, then, and neither Jaejoong nor I could understand what was being said. Neither, I expect, could they.

Finally, Jaejoong interrupted them, saying something about being hungry, and before he could offer to cook dinner, Changmin, beautiful smile on his face, not as blinding as Junsu's, just... a lovely, twinkling star to his sun, said the three of them were going to go cook, and for Jaejoong to stay in bed a little longer.

Junsu squawked in indignation at this. "He's been in bed long enough! He can cook me dinner!"

Changmin and Yunho grabbed him by each arm and led him out of the room, ignoring his protests.

Jaejoong glanced at me again, snuggling back into his blankets, and I was momentarily scared he would fall asleep again and leave me alone, but he just started talking. "What was all that about?"

"You've been asleep for a while. We... We were all kind of worried."

"Really? How long?"

I didn't think I'd be able to say it around that lump in my throat, but I managed. I couldn't recognize my voice. "A day and a half."

I couldn't look at him anymore, so I just stared down at my hands.

A hand gently touched my cheek, tilting my head up, and I saw Jaejoong sitting down next to me, wrapping his comforter around us, protecting us both from the world. "I'm back now, Yoochunnie. You're not alone anymore."

I just grabbed his hand and held it tightly.



"You never did tell me why we did this."

I didn't respond as I stared at Jaejoong's back, skin still red and irritated from the new tattoo, and tried to understand the feelings swirling around inside me. I slowly reapplied the bandage and turned to lay on my bed, careful to stay on my stomach.

"Yoochun?"

"You did it without knowing why, what does it matter now that it's done?"

"Maybe because I want to know? I've got this permanent tattoo on my back, and I'd kind of like to know why.'' I felt the bed dip as he sat on the edge.

"Fine. But you have to answer a question for me first."

I wasn't looking at him, but I was fairly certain he'd rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Why did you agree in the first place?"

"Huh?"

"Just answer. Or I don't answer yours."

"Well, I'll tell you, but you have to look at me. I'm not going to have a conversation with the back of your head."

I groaned and pulled myself up, twisting my body around so that I was sitting next to him. I'd long since realized that I couldn't look Jaejoong in the eyes without becoming lost in them, so I focused on his chin instead. "Well?"

"I'm not ashamed of you."

My eyes flicked up to Jaejoong's for a moment, confused. "What the hell does that mean? Have I done something to be ashamed of?"

"No. But I answered your question, so answer mine."

He may have answered one, but he'd raised many, many more, but I really couldn't avoid it any longer, and Jaejoong wouldn't answer any more questions now anyway. "I wanted something that wouldn't fade away."

"Tattoos fade, Chunnie. That's why people get touch-ups."

"No, I mean... Sometimes, you seem like nothing more than light and air and emotion. I wanted something to make you seem more... tangible."

"Then what did you need a tattoo for?"

It figured, I supposed, that he would have to keep making this harder for me. "It fits, doesn't it? Us. Matching personalities, matching clothes, matching tattoos." I sighed, and continued, whispering now. "Because I want to be the only one to touch you."

"I don't get it."

"Well, I don't get yours, either, so I guess we're even."

"But why 'soulmate'?"

"Because we match."

He was staring at me. I could feel his eyes on me, dark and heavy and I felt my ears start to burn.

Then his lips were on mine, soft and strong at the same time, demanding and too much, but then he pulled away and it wasn't nearly enough. But his eyes were smiling, and he said, "You're right. We do." And then he was kissing me again, and I think I realized what he meant. This. He wasn't ashamed of this.



~fin~
 
 
 
Anna+Banana=AnBana?spearmint95 on November 22nd, 2008 02:51 am (UTC)
That's.So.Sweet.
:D
Omen-chan: Miyavi's Clothing is Always Optionalomen1x2 on November 22nd, 2008 02:52 am (UTC)
Thank you! ^o^
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: JaeChunomen1x2 on November 22nd, 2008 04:52 am (UTC)
JaeChun is pure, perfect love, and they always get me, too. I'm so glad you liked it. ^______^
graveyardgrin on November 22nd, 2008 05:40 am (UTC)
And the only thing I could think of was that he looked just that way. Too old, and too young, and so vulnerable. I gently reached up and pushed the hair out of his eyes.

*melts* that was my favorite part. they're just so sweet ;_;
adding this to memories ♥
Omen-chan: Kohtaomen1x2 on November 22nd, 2008 06:13 am (UTC)
Yeah, there were a couple lines in there that I couldn't even believe I wrote, and I felt kind of overwhelmed by them, and that was one of them. It's weird when you feel intimidated by something you actually wrote.

*hugs* I'm so glad you liked it!
graveyardgrin on November 22nd, 2008 10:48 am (UTC)
It's weird when you feel intimidated by something you actually wrote -> I'm sure thats a good thing? :) *hugs you back* will keep a lookout for your future writings :D
(no subject) - omen1x2 on November 25th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC) (Expand)
rshauna on November 22nd, 2008 10:32 am (UTC)
This is so awesome! I loved it.
Omen-chan: Kirito - Rainbow Prideomen1x2 on November 23rd, 2008 01:46 am (UTC)
Thank you! ^_____^
유진zhyune on November 22nd, 2008 01:00 pm (UTC)
I love the sweet OT5 interactions here <333 You made the jaechun tattoo come alive and that was justso amazing. The ending was beautiful too ♥:)))
Omen-chan: Kirito - Lightomen1x2 on November 23rd, 2008 01:47 am (UTC)
I loved writing the parts with everyone. They're just full of so much love and fun. ^____^
~♥Hope to the End. Always Keep the Faith♥~chloe1910 on November 22nd, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)
this is truly very, very nice and sweet...
Omen-chan: kannivalism's Keiomen1x2 on November 23rd, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! ♥
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: Hiroto - Cute <3omen1x2 on November 23rd, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
Yeah, that's always the impression that I get with them, especially with Yoochun when he speaks English. Just... I don't know, like when he speaks English, all the defenses he has when he speaks Korean go away. I wanted to mention that somewhere.
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: Shou and Hirotoomen1x2 on November 25th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
Oh, thank you so much! What a compliment. ^o^
the_rice_flowerthe_rice_flower on November 27th, 2008 10:26 am (UTC)
again such a wonderful piece ^^...ah...I'm so happy now.....I always wonder how was it at the beginning ...your scenary ...I hope it was something like that...and I'm crazy about these too...but reading the fanfics makes me love them even more XD....I thought it can't happen but you make me feel like that....I can't name a favorite part because there are to many..thank you again.....love you for this...

too bad it's actually soulmyc ...but well soulmates just fits them well ^^....

<3
( ̄ー ̄)☆☆ ジュンジュワ!under_an_oak on December 6th, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
Gah, this is taking my love of JaeChun to insurmountable heights. I love your portrayal of JJ in this; he's so...hard to tether down.
Omen-chan: Kirito - Rainbow Prideomen1x2 on December 6th, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
He is! Oh my god, he is. I've never had a harder time writing for a person than I have for him.
Meijaemeijin on December 17th, 2008 11:12 am (UTC)
this is the last Jaechun's fic that i read on ur page in this day.

Jaejoong slept for a day and a half???
Not only Chun & other DBSK members, but I'll worry about it too.
in the real life, i also thought that DBSK couldn't sleep well coz of their activities. poor them.

oh, the way chun realize that JJ had woke up make me giggle. his eyes can't move away from jae. even for one second. it's love!

bout the tatoo. it's the most chivalrous thing bout JaeChun. those tatoo thing make me love them more.
although now, some of the fans found that chun's is "MYC" not "mate". but i don't care bout that XD

thank u again.

i'm looking forward for ur next JaeChun fic^^
Omen-chan: JaeChun Loveomen1x2 on December 17th, 2008 04:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, when they filmed the Hug mv, he slept for a day and a half. Yoochun looks so sad when they mention it on the D version of the "O" album, so I thought I had to mention it somewhere.

Yes! Lovelovelovelovelove. JaeChun is all about the love. ♥

Yeah, I've heard that before too. Thing is, I've never seen a good enough picture of Chunnie's tattoo to know for sure.

You're welcome! Thank you for reading! ^o^
(no subject) - jaemeijin on December 18th, 2008 12:50 am (UTC) (Expand)
takki_tsubie_tomo_toma-love: DoTsu!ryther on December 19th, 2008 01:20 pm (UTC)
that is so sweet and touching at the same time. nice job!
Omen-chan: I love my fandom. ^___^omen1x2 on December 21st, 2008 05:53 am (UTC)
Thank you! ^o^
성희: Knightsungie86 on December 21st, 2008 05:45 am (UTC)
-squees over this for oh, a few years-
I AM SO HAPPY.
Omen-chan: Kirito - Daybreak02omen1x2 on December 21st, 2008 05:54 am (UTC)
*hugs* I'm glad! A well written JaeChun should always make people happy, so a happy reader is a happy Omen. ♥
Angie: jaechunjt_fangirlism on January 8th, 2009 04:14 am (UTC)
the beginnings of jaechun and how they ended up us soulmates..♥♥♥♥♥
they are so meant to be..

*memming along with the others*
Omen-chan: kannivalism - Ryou and Yuuchi - Hustleomen1x2 on January 8th, 2009 04:19 am (UTC)
Ah, they were always soulmates. It's just a matter of them figuring it out. ♥
ekkusuchanekkusuchan on May 17th, 2009 06:02 pm (UTC)
oooo i like it ^__^ clear but with subtle hints of something more underneath.

"Yunho kept coming by, and I kept hoping that this time, he'd become exasperated and wake him up. But he would just peek in, give me a small smile, and move on, as if this weren't our group's precious hyung sleeping for hours upon hours, not even moving" ==> that, in itself, speaks a lot more about how chun felt, even without you describing it out in the next pragraphs. love it! ^^

Omen-chan: JaeChun 02omen1x2 on May 17th, 2009 06:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! That was a line I really liked writing too, for about the same reasons. ^^