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13 July 2008 @ 02:05 pm
 
Title: Boys 'n' Toys
Author: omen1x2
Rating: PG
Fandom: Pierrot (former), Angelo, ALvino, LM.C
Pairing: Kirito x Jun; Takeo x Kohta; Koji x Shouta; Aiji x Maya
Disclaimer: Like all fanfic writers, I twist reality to please me. (In some cases, however, the reality is far weirder than the fiction.)
Summary: Kohta and Takeo, weirded out by Kirito's new obsession, call for an intervention, only they call the wrong people. Humor. Written for sakura121 as a semi-response to her request for something Koji x Shouta.




Boys 'n' Toys

by Omen-chan




"You won't get away with that! Veer vweeee! I am versed in all ways Ninja, and I shall punish you for stealing that woman's purse!"

"Mwahahahaha! You cannot stop me! For I am versed in all ways Samurai! Fear my mighty sword!"

"Hiiiii-ya!"

The hero attacked with a flying kick. The villain did not stand a chance.

"Kyaaaa..." It lay, flat on its back, unable to utter anything but its pitiful, dying groan. "You... you shall... regret this..."

"Haha! I think not. I shall now return the purse to the young lady. You deserve this for choosing a life of crime."

Weakly, "I... I could not help it... My kingdom is in ruins, betrayed by my brother..."

Gasp. "Kingdom? What is your name?"

"P-Prince... Zesba..."

"No! My liege!" Kneeling next to his slain sovereign. "Noooooooo!"



Kirito made whimpering sounds for the death of the fallen prince, and was about to have the Ninja-Hero-Bear kill himself in penance for murdering his lord when the door opened.

Kohta stared at his brother. Kirito stared back.

Kohta silently shut the door again.

Kirito blinked, shrugged, and went back to playing with his stuffed animals.



"Listen, Takeo, we need to do something about this. Now. I think Aniki's lost it."

"'Lost it'? Are you implying he had 'it' in the first place?"

"Shut up. Seriously, I went to go find him in his dressing room, and he was playing with his stupid toys. The hairdresser must be used to it, or something, because he was just going on like nothing was strange."

"Kohta, I think the time has come for you to accept that your brother isn't like all the other brothers."

"Takeo! This is serious. Sure, he may be weird, but he doesn't play with toys!"

"..."

"Not those kinds of toys."

Takeo sighed. "Fine, fine. I'll think of something."



Kirito could tell Something Was Up. He could just smell it. Kohta and Takeo were Planning Something. Something to do with him. It was baffling. It sure as hell wasn't time for his birthday, and he hadn't played any tricks on them recently, either. Okay, so he had "playfully" tried to strangle Kohta. But that was just a joke! And maybe he'd gone on that "date" with Takeo without his little brother's permission. Who cared? He was the older brother, he could do what he wanted. Not that anything had happened, anyway. Sex with Takeo was Unnatural and Wrong and he'd just done it to mess with them anyway.

So, obviously, he hadn't done anything that required this strange secret plotting, and there were no occasions to call for a surprise of that sort. He would need to get to the bottom of this.

Right after he finished this round of Dance Dance Revolution.

Or maybe the next one.

Well, later, anyway.



"Kirito? Could you put your teddy bear down and come help me?"

Kirito made a face at Takeo. "This isn't a teddy bear. It's a Gloomy Bear. Much cooler."

"..... Right. Could you put your Gloomy Bear down and come help me?"

"First, you have to apologize to him for calling him a teddy bear." He held it up to Takeo's face.

"What?!"

"Apologize."

"JUST COME HELP ME ALREADY."



Kirito walked into the room, snuggling his bear. "What's with the circle of chairs? What's everyone doing here?"

Takeo and Kohta shoved Kirito down into the only empty chair, right in the middle of the circle. "We're having an intervention."

"What? Look, I know I've been kind of drinking a lot, but that's no need for a-"

"Who gives a shit about your drinking, Oni?! This is about something much more serious."

Jun cut in. "You've been drinking?! How could you?!"

"Shut up, Jun. Anyway, we need to talk to you about those bears."

Kirito stared at Kohta, nonplussed, then looked around at the others. "Why're only LM.C and ALvino here? I've got more friends than this. I'm super popular."

"Everyone else was too scared to come. Maya was curious, and Shouta-kun and Koji-san were bored."

Kirito eyed Jun and Aiji. "And you two went along with this?"

Aiji shrugged. "I just wanted to see you cuddling teddy bears."

"It's a GLOOMY BEAR."

Jun grinned. "And I wanted to laugh at a thirty-six year old man that always teased me about my Gundam figurines. At least Gundam is manly."

"Gay."

"Manly."

"Gay."

"YOU'RE CUDDLING A BEAR SHUT UP."

Kohta interrupted again. "All of you, shut up. Anyway, Oni, this is serious. Jun has a point - you're a grown man. You shouldn't be playing with stuffed animals."

Kirito rolled his eyes and stood up. As everyone watched him warily, he wandered over to a corner and grabbed a rather large box. Opening it, he pulled out a few more stuffed animals.

Jun's eyes grew starry. "Awwwww... So cute..." He immediately lunged out of his chair and grabbed one. "Can I play?"

"Of course!"

"Great! Mine'll be a robot-piloting superhero. What's yours?"

"A gay gaijin samurai."

The two of them snickered together like naughty children.

Kohta opened his mouth to call the two of them back, but someone else spoke before he could.

Maya bounded over to the box and pulled out a cool, red, black and white bear. "Awesome! Mine's a rock god, and he plays guitar." He made his bear play air guitar. "Braaaaaaaair... Baa daa daaa... Come on, Aiji! They can be a band!"

Aiji was immediately at Maya's side. "Yeah! They'll be crime-fighting super-ultra-rock-stars! Is there a purple one?"

Kirito poked through his box. "No, but I have a pink one."

"I'll take it!"

Shouta appeared over Jun's shoulder. "Can I play too? I brought my own!" He held it up lovingly.

Kirito eyed it and was immediately jealous. He muttered to himself, "I don't have that one yet..."

Shouta beamed at him. "I have an extra one. Want me to give it to you?"

Kirito beamed back. "Really?"

"Of course!" The two of them beamed at each other like the best of friends.

Koji sauntered over to the utterly flabbergasted duo of Kohta and Takeo. "I should have probably warned you, but it slipped my mind." He pulled out his own bear. "Shoooooouta! Don't forget, our bears go in pairs! You can't play without me!"

As the "intervention" group all tore into Kirito's box of toys, Kohta turned to glare at Takeo. "This was your idea."

Takeo was too busy staring, transfixed, at the sight before him to respond to Kohta's statement. "... Are they a bunch of girls, or a bunch of five-year-olds?"

Kohta sighed and looked at them also. "I don't know. Probably both." He grinned. "I think the time has come for you to accept that your friends aren't like all the other friends..."

Takeo grimaced. "Oi."




~fin~



This piece of WTF crack is 100% not my fault. It's Kirito's fault. Absolutely. Seems like every day he has something new and cracky on that blog of his. XD

Fanart made by cher_arlequin.
 
 
 
~Nuile~: kirinuile on July 13th, 2008 07:44 pm (UTC)
Was laughing like crazy!! *wipes tears off her eyelashes* THANK YOU, Omen-chan. That was the most right way to put it. Kirito really got too far with these bears. Even if I do think it's kinda fanservice it still IS WEIRD. xDDD

Listen, Takeo, we need to do something about this. Now. I think Aniki's lost it."
"'Lost it'? Are you implying he had 'it' in the first place?"

A rather wise comment. Takeo-san xDD

"YOU'RE CUDDLING A BEAR SHUT UP."
That's an argument xDD
Omen-chanomen1x2 on July 13th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
You're welcome! God, Kirito's bears practically haunt my sleep now. And yes, bears WEIRD. I mean, sure, I may have written something where he was cuddling one a long time ago, but at least he was unconscious and didn't know what he was doing.

Yeah, that "gay" back and forth between Jun and Kirito was my absolute favorite part. XD
Sakura the Cookie Monstersakura121 on July 13th, 2008 08:12 pm (UTC)
This entire fic was full of ROFL moments. I'd copy and paste, but it'd end up being the whole fic. Excellent job! *tackle hugs and snuggles* xDDD
Omen-chan: Kirito - Lightomen1x2 on July 13th, 2008 08:16 pm (UTC)
*glomps and molests* Great! So, this covers your request, right? 'Cause somehow, I totally can't write Koji x Shouta without KiriJun in there somewhere.
Sakura the Cookie Monstersakura121 on July 13th, 2008 08:19 pm (UTC)
Yes it does. Thank you! ^___^
A: Lollerskates [Misc.]narcolepticnemu on July 14th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
AHAHAHAA!

Epic win....I was giggling throughout the whole thing. Kirito is on so much crack <33333
Omen-chan: Star Wars - Elevator Rideomen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 01:52 am (UTC)
God, I know. I have no idea what is up with him, but it makes for some easy crack!fiction. XD
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: Kirito - Flowersomen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 05:13 am (UTC)
Best comment related to Kirito's blog I've ever gotten. Because that man is a bag of crack. An awesome, gorgeous, WTF bag of crack. XD

Teddy bears, I swear to god...

You're welcome! ^^
Kender: キリト \\ intriguingkinderegg88 on July 14th, 2008 02:34 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA, brilliant. XD;;
Omen-chan: Minatoomen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 05:53 pm (UTC)
lol
Thank you! *glomps*
Kenderkinderegg88 on July 14th, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC)
:squish:: I'm a little worried about Kiri's obsession too, but then again, I'd probably play with him if he asked me. XD;;
Omen-chan: kannivalism - Ryou and Yuuchi - Hustleomen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 07:05 pm (UTC)
*squishes back* Yeah, I think everyone's kind of like *smilesmiles* "What's going on? Hehehe..." *backs away*

And yes, so would I. But it is still ridiculously, horribly, WTF creepy.
Kenderkinderegg88 on July 14th, 2008 07:54 pm (UTC)
True, true. XD At least it's not, like, Barbies or something.
(Deleted comment)
Omen-chan: I love my fandom. ^___^omen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 05:55 pm (UTC)
Dude, I loved writing that back and forth between Kirito and Jun. It still gives me a giggle. XD

*glomps and tackles* Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank youuuuuuuuuuu! I see you're on AOL and I shall molest you there. ♥
Kei: Full wavekdelioncourt on July 14th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
*cracks up*
Ahh that fic was so refreshing XDDD I love the banter between them XD
Omen-chan: MUCC - Dorks. XDomen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 06:52 pm (UTC)
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I really can't be blamed take credit for this thing. Kirito and those damn bears. Jesus. They haunt my sleep and never let go.
chibi_takeochibi_takeo on July 14th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC)
That is good!I was laught as a mad person=)I like your story.Yeeah,i'm happy...
Omen-chan: Kirito - Daybreak02omen1x2 on July 14th, 2008 07:16 pm (UTC)
lol
I'm glad! *hugs* ^____^
sunnysunnydayssunnysunnydays on July 16th, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
omg that was completely awesome....win win win

and there is definitely something wrong with kirito. so many more crack-tastic possibilities now that he has a blog (and considering how japanese men can spam 354 posts in a month...)
Omen-chan: Ryou Loves Youomen1x2 on July 16th, 2008 06:21 am (UTC)
Thanks! XD

Yeah, his private "fanclub only and can only join the fanclub if you have a Japanese address" blog was just evil and annoying and tantalized us with things we couldn't have. Now, we have them, and they are beyond all forms of weirdness. And let me tell you, I expected some weird things.

Just not bears.
Tsukushijuusuikan on August 1st, 2008 09:01 pm (UTC)
It's crack and I laughed hard on it, love, hah XD Thank you.
Omen-chan: Minatoomen1x2 on August 13th, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! Kirito's blog is the origin of all crack. ♥
NEO*Asa-chanskeletal_blue on October 5th, 2008 12:17 am (UTC)
;3; whats wrong with gloomy love?
I would find it stranger if he were a Reliakkuma fan. *clutches kuma to chest* but then... ;3; we could be good friends that way. <33

kukukuku XD
Omen-chan: Nao's omen1x2 on October 5th, 2008 12:21 am (UTC)
Nothing's wrong with Gloomy Luv! But Kirito always thought he was such a manly man and then he hit thirty-six and he decided he liked stuffed animals and things and I wonder about him sometimes. XD

And the next thing you know, he's gonna make a post about how he won a Kuma plushie in that damn claw game and start obsessing about those too. XD
NEO*Asa-chanskeletal_blue on October 5th, 2008 07:56 pm (UTC)
And then we can become the best of friends and bond over it *sparkle sparkle* <3